‘Please don’t talk to me again, we need to stop -K’
No…not this, he will definitely talk to me again.
‘We are done, you disgusted me.’
That is too mean, what if he breaks up with his girlfriend? If I send it, there will never be odds between us.
No, they will not work! I know Matt too well, we were friends since forever, so did our dads. Whatever message I send to him, he can and he will find excuses to talk to me again, and I won’t be so sure if he will get reproached or not, he is so clever even though he doesn’t appear to be. He is too afraid that people will ‘judge’ him. And what I have typed were too typical, sooner or later he will act like those really romantic guys we saw in movies and I will be falling all over for him again.
Better think for something else. Maybe something with more tactfulness?
‘Roses are red, violets are blue. You are with your girlfriend, and I can’t be with you.’
That is too… and it sounds so stupid. I’m feeling very amiss right now, what should I type? He’s got me out of my head; it is not very easy to stay logical or even ‘sober’ while I am thinking of him
‘You have to chose: Me. Or. Her.’
No, if he loves me, he wouldn’t even have to choose, and if he chose her, what should I say? This will make things more awkward if I am out of luck.
‘Dude. Fuck off.’
This might be the only thing that will actually work. But I just can’t press the send button, I always think that he is making things hard, but turns out it is always me who makes things harder. If I didn’t accept starting with him, we wouldn’t go down like this. If I didn’t kiss back, I wouldn’t be in this trying-to-text-a-text situation. But there are no if’s. Things are already done and they can’t be undone, and I have to be prudent, it cannot go wrong. But when I’m about to hit the send button, something pulls my fingertip back from it, some kind of surreal force I suppose? Some kind of emotional thoughts deep inside of me, I don’t think I want to lose him, not as a crush, but also as my best friend. I can’t be like this, it is getting ambivalent inside and it annoys me a lot.
In the end, none of my fancy texts ever got sent, none, I am such a failure, such a coward. I squat down as I got so lackadaisical, I am not interested in thinking of the ‘perfect’ text anymore. I watch as the sun slowly goes down, I can also tell that mum is going to make some dinner as I see her turning on the lights in the kitchen, I should get back in and finish off my homeworks before dinner.
‘Mavis!’ I’m two hundred percent sure that it is Matt again, and his girlfriend should be gone by now, let’s pretend I have no idea about it.
‘Matt? I thought that you are with your girlfriend?’ I try to be casual, but I have no idea whether it is working or not.
‘Look, Rosie’s gone, it just you and me now.’ He said it like he is looking for a kiss. I suddenly have a thought: Mavis, this is the moment, tell him what you had failed to text. I have to, I have to do it, it is basically now or never.
‘Matt, you see,’ he is looking at me with a confused smile, just like when he was five and I was three. We were in a grocery store and we got lost, he was trying to act calm all the time so that I won’t freak out, but I can tell his anxiety from his eyes. I continue, ‘I can’t go on like this anymore, this is torturing, for both of us, I’m sorry, I can’t do this with you anymore.’
‘No, Mavis, I’ll break up with Rosie,’ he is still trying to act calm.
‘Don’t pull these kind of bullshit to me,’ I almost yelled as he grabbed my hand. Than I shake them off since I felt so offended, ‘Just go away please, don’t ruin our friendship if you still want it.’
‘Of course I do want it, but I want more, I want you.’ Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. ‘Mavis, I love you. Rosie is a mistake. I promise you we’ll be together in less than 8 months.’
I look at him resentfully, what kind of person will tell you that they really love you but you have to wait for 7 months until they break up with their girlfriends? I’m speechless, what even give him the nerve to say it? ‘Are you kidding me?’ I blustered, this whole thing is senseless, I think I’m about lose it.
‘I really do love you, Mavis,’ he begins again, ‘but if you don’t want this, I understand.’
He is so full of…what? He is letting me go? I do not know what to say, I look at him for a second, there is only a sentence came up to my head.
‘Thank you, Matt.’ I said it so calmly, things are finally settled he and I. We kept silence for a few more seconds, until he finally figured out what to say, ‘You’re still my best friend.’ He pulls up a big smile and vaguely punched his fist on my arm. But just when I think that things are cleared up, there is a drop of tear that fell down from his face, and I can see the trace of it so clearly. I had never seen him crying, not when he broke his legs, not when he broke up with his ex’s… and he cried, for me. I’m feeling so awful, it kills me inside, I can’t stay here anymore, I have to go. ‘Goodnight, Matt.’ I rubbed the tear off from his face and I head straight back to my house, leaving him and the backyard alone with the night sky. I didn’t try to look back, I cannot do it, not when my tears are streaming all the way down.
What have I just done?
(Part I to be continued)
